Another Weakness of Mine...

Having a low self-esteem, I've found can express itself in many ways. Some act over confident, while others are over dependent. I've found that the way my low self-esteem expresses itself is in the desire for compliments. And then, when I'm paid a compliment, I spend the time knocking it down. I can't just accept it for what it is... "Oh, you're just being nice." "It really isn't that good." etc., etc. Unfortunately, I find myself all too often seeking the praise of 'men' (in which case I really mean mankind and include both genders). And yet, there's another side of me that doesn't care what anyone thinks of me personally. This is were it gets pretty dangerous, because I'll say whatever is on my mind without any consideration for the feelings of others. Mainly, it's because I probably haven't fully thought it through how it will make others feel.
So 1) I seek the compliments of people, but simultaneously 2) I often offend and could care less what others think about certain issues. I can see how I'm a contradiction within myself, and these are just my natural reactions. I'm not sure if that's a characteristic of my ADD or what. But I really have to watch myself and what I post on Facebook, which is so common to find my knee-jerk reactions, especially when they involve issues that I am passionate about and therefore very vocal. I'm not afraid to stamp on the toes of anyone, even the ones closest to me. Regardless of what issue happens to be discussed. I find that it is difficult for me to find a good close friend. Once I move away from a place, it takes me a few good many years before I really can form that bond. Probably because most of the time I draw them away. My wife and mom, hate that I do that.
But even with my closest friends, I don't come to the same conclusions that they might. Politically, it's very difficult to find anyone I can side with. Religiously, I differ from many of the people around me, but even then I'm a little more careful about what I say... although for some reason, I feel the freedom to announce to the world wide web my feelings about somethings. And for a lot of it Religion and Politics is so closely intertwined. Much like science and religion is for me (oh, which reminds me of another blogpost I need to write sometime).
I think that's why I am a big fan of Paul and his letters. He was very blunt when he needed to be. He wasn't afraid of stepping on some toes if he had to.

"As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!" -Gal. 5:12(NIV)

And yet, some of my favourite times in the Bible are when these Biblical men stir up trouble, and it's God sanctioned! Even Jesus among the pharisees, sadducees and teachers of the law... he would just rip into them and expose them for who they really were. He knew their innermost desires and brought it to light. Jesus wasn't a people pleaser at all! He didn't seek the compliments of men. He wasn't afraid of hurting someone's feelings and he said what needed to be said at the time. Even if it were to hurt his own family...

"Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.”
He replied, “My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.” -Luke 8:19-21(NIV)

I like how direct Jesus was with the people. He wasn't 'tolerant' of their sins. He just said, "Go and sin no more." or "Stop sinning." Can you imagine what people would accuse Jesus of today? Can you imagine what a conversation with him would actually be like? Can you think what he would actually say to you? I'm sure whatever it is he would say to us, wouldn't be far off from what has already been said and recorded in the gospels. We might not like what he would have to say to us. It might challenge us to our deepest core. But he would say it with the sincerity and the hope that we would be forever changed by that encounter with him.
And it's with this I ask, "Has your encounter with Jesus really changed the way you think? Or are you just a Christian to get into heaven." It's funny how often it's heard, "Don't Judge me!" "It says in the Bible not to Judge." And so in a sense, I feel like they're saying to me... "Don't challenge me to grow! I like my status quo! I'm quite happy to remain a lukewarm Christian!"
Aren't we encouraged in the epistles:

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths." -2 Timothy 3:16-4:4(NIV)

So really, if you know me personally, and you see or witness me in some wrong, please come up to me and correct me! How else am I to grow in Christ without the guidance of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ! I welcome it. Challenge me to be better! I don't want to remain in some status quo the residual sinful nature desires for me. It's like in any Art class... you critique each other's works, but it's so that you can improve later on. It may hurt at the time, but it helps you to become a better artist.
Granted I know some of my faults. I know how I stumble and fall. I know I am apt to fail especially if I were to brag otherwise! But please, I welcome anything that will help me to become more Christ-like in this life. I would do the same for you.